Snake in the Way
by Yaji's Girl
Summary: King Kai runs into a princess while trying to find his way to the planet he had won in an Other World Martial Arts Tournament bet with West Kai.
1. The Viper's Grip

**Just a little two-part story I thought I'd amuse myself with. It takes place really soon after Buu is defeated; King Kai is trying to find the planet he won in a bet against West Kai during the Other World Martial Arts Tournament. Enjoy!**

King Kai had his face scrunched up in confusion, his head slightly tilted as he looked at the map held in front of him. He rotated the parchment around, trying to discover which way it was supposed to go, before lowering it in frustration. The map crinkled as it hit his his rotund belly, folding as he pressed it against him. With his teeth gnashing, he finally decided something. For a Kai named after a direction on a compass, he wasn't very good with directions.

It had to have been the map, though. The stupid West Kai had drawn it out for him, explaining precisely how to get to his planet. He tried using his antennae once again to locate the planet, only to fail. It would have been like West Kai to have not simply given him the coordinates, allowing him to use Instant Transmission to just appear on his new home. No, the stupid, purple Kai had decided that it would be amusing to have his northern opponent run around in circles on Snake Way, unable to find the planet he had won fairly in that bet. Oh, it was just like West Kai to throw a slight curve to the ball, making the Kai have to work ten times harder than necessary. The more he thought about it, the more he realized something: he hated purple Kais with a passion.

Bubbles began babbling beside him, making King Kai shout, "Shut up!" His lips were pressed together as he looked at the monkey hunched by his side, looking rather abashed. Of course, he couldn't feel good about making his monkey, probably his only friend now, so upset. Before he could allow his temper to simmer back down to apologize, though, Gregory flitted in front of the Kai's face.

"Yoo hoo!" the cricket said, his wings buzzing as he hovered in front of the Kai's face. "When are we going to get there? We haven't had a home in years, and I'm getting a little impatient." King Kai could only pout to refrain from shouting at the insect, too. He glared at the cricket until he finally got the hint, saying, "Sheesh, fine. I won't bug you anymore."

"No puns," King Kai ordered, not in the mood for joking at the moment. Even he, voted the most hilarious Kai three thousand years in a row, didn't find this situation to be funny. They were stranded in the middle of Snake Way with no idea of where they were heading to. The more King Kai thought about it, the more he realized that West Kai had probably given him wrong directions. Never, in all of the millenia he lived at the end of Snake Way, had he ever thought that despicable West Kai was a neighbor. And it had now taken him this long to realize that West Kai wasn't his neighbor; he had simply sent him on Snake Way, his planet probably resting on the opposite end of the universe.

He exhaled deeply, drawing the map up to his face with a scrutinizing expression. He had obviously been hanging around Goku, such a trustworthy fellow, for too long. Now he was becoming gullible, trusting everything anybody said. And that was a bad habit, trusting the Kais around these parts. Every one of them was a scheming, lying, rotten thief, unable to accept defeat even if it stared them right in the face. So, to the surprise of Gregory, he held the map by the top of the parchment and quickly ripped it down its center, tearing it into two clean halves.

"No more mister nice Kai," the blue Kai said, his face completely serious as he let the map halves float off the edge of Snake Way and into the depths of HFIL. It wasn't until he looked up from the clouds that he noticed a building in the distance, an ornate, white one with red roofing and green trim. He pointed to it, astounded and unable to let any words out as Gregory flitted ahead.

"It looks as if your dreams have come true, Master," the cricket chirped, hoping that the Kai would lighten up. But he still had those wrinkles etched on his forehead as he crossed his arms suspiciously, urging the cricket to ask, "What's wrong now? We can go in there and ask directions."

With a slight huff as he picked his brown suitcase off of the ground, he explained, "I know who lives in there, and she's not somebody to mess with. I've never met her before, but from the way King Yemma describes her, she's a doozy." Bubbles began scratching at his rear as Gregory cocked an eyebrow, intrigued by this mysterious woman. "It looks as if we have no choice but to ask her for directions, though."

King Kai began ambling down the path, taking his time with his luggage in hand. Gregory fell back in his flight, and, going the same pace as his master, asked, "Who is she?"

"Apparently the prettiest undead dead thing alive," King Kai said, trying to keep his face from betraying his thoughts. But that was an understatement. This Princess Snake that King Yemma had rambled on to him about one night, talking about how beautiful she was - he had never met her, not caring enough to stop by her place on the rare occasion that he stopped by the check-out office. All he knew was that she was beautiful, had a rotten attitude, and liked to trap men in her palace. King Yemma had warned Tien, Chiaotzu, and Yamcha of the dangers she possessed when they had come to train with him, but he wondered now if the Ginyu Force Minus One had stopped by here on their way. He supposed they hadn't, though, or they would have shown up at his planet in shambles.

He and Bubbles continued walking down Snake Way with Gregory floating, the procession going rather slowly. It took a while before they were standing in front of the princess' castle, very clean looking and quite a relief to the poor travelers' eyes. But King Kai was hesitant to knock on the door, nervous about doing so. It had been a while since he'd seen a woman, aside from that nasty Baba, but she didn't count. So in an attempt to spruce himself up, he dropped the suitcase by his side and, after licking his hand, proceeded to push his antennae back. He turned to Gregory and asked, "So, how do I look? Spiffy?"

It was then that one of his antennae sprang back up, making the cricket answer quite bemusedly, "You look great." His arms were still crossed as he hovered in the air, demanding, "Just open the door. I'm getting tired."

"Fine, fine," King Kai said, rapping his fist three times on the door. He cleared his voice and straightened the front of his uniform, not noticing as his other antennae stood back up. Then he stood there patiently, his best smile on his face. Meeting this Princess Snake would be rather scary; he'd heard that she did have her feisty moments, whatever that meant. He couldn't remember exactly what King Yemma had told him, but he thought he remembered something about her having a snake here. Very fitting, being the princess of Snake Way.

They waited only a moment before the door flung open, revealing a tall, blue-skinned woman with her wispy, blond hair pulled back. Her eyes traveled over the visitors, and she cupped a hand to her mouth, giggling. King Kai felt his cheeks redden a little as he wondered just what was so funny, but he still bowed slightly in respect as he asked, "Are you Princess Snake?"

She shook her head, signaling for them to come in. She then turned around, leading the group of them inside. King Kai shut the door behind them, taking a glance out at Snake Way behind them. Something was already strange about this place, and he was wondering if it wouldn't have just been smarter to have gone back to Yemma to ask directions. But he could always use Instant Transmission to get them all out of there if things got too out-of-hand. He watched for a second as Gregory and Bubbles followed the servant girl, not realizing the danger they were potentially putting themselves into.

He caught up to the group quickly, nearly running around the corner and bumping into the bumbling Bubbles. The servant girl had held her hand out to halt them, commanding that they wait silently. Then she retreated behind the curtains, shuffling her feet along the way. The group of them surveyed the room they had been left in, noticing a long table and walls of colorful china. King Kai placed his hands on his hips after setting the suitcase down on the floor, anxious to meet this Princess Snake figure. She would be one to deal with, according to King Yemma. But the more he thought over it, he wondered exactly how the giant knew this woman so well. He supposed that he must have stopped at this place during his journey across Snake Way to train with the Kai, but it seemed as if Yemma might have known a bit too much about her...

Before he could dig any deeper into that subject, he noticed that the curtains were moving, whispers coming from behind them. It was then, all at once, that a tall, blue woman walked through them, clad in blue with a furry boa around her neck. She had orange, fiery hair sticking up in short curls. Her ears were adorned by large, purple earrings, and as she smiled, King Kai could notice her abnormally long canine teeth. But at the moment, she appeared to be harmless as she waved one of her gloved hands and greeted, "Welcome, visitors! You have stumbled upon my humble palace. I hope to help any one of you in any way possible. My name is Princess Snake."

"King Kai, your old neighbor," the blue Kai said, nodding a little. Then, with his hands held out and gesturing towards each of them at the appropriate time, he introduced, "This is Gregory, and this is Bubbles. Two of my students."

"Hrmm, did you say neighbors?" she inquired, placing a finger to her chin in thought. "I didn't think I had neighbors around these parts..." But after a second, recognition lit up her face. She smiled again, even more widely, displaying her jagged teeth even more prominently. "Ah, yes, now I remember! That cute Goku boy was the last one to stop by, and I think he had to go to train with you." She placed a silky glove to her cheek and mused, "I'm sure he wanted to stay here with me, he just had other things to do. It gets kind of lonely here, though..."

The blue Kai coughed a little, bringing the princess' wandering mind back to where they were. She shook her head to snap herself out of her daydreams and dropped her hands back to her side, that toothy smile on her face. "So," she said, a hand on one of her hips, "I take it that you three need something from me?"

She ruffled her tossed orange hair as King Kai said, "As a matter of fact, we do. You see, I'm looking for a planet owned by a certain West Kai. Do you think you know where it is?"

With her face squinted a little, she tapped her chin and tried to think of whether she knew an West Kai or not. After a few seconds of pondering, though, she simply shrugged her shoulders, stroking her white boa. "I'm sorry, boys, but I don't think I know of any planets around here." She pouted her lip a little and glanced back at her servant girls, who looked as if they knew just as little about this mysterious planet as she did.

"Oh well," the Kai said, beginning to turn around. His voice was disheartened, having hoped that this woman had known something or another about West Kai's planet, but it seemed as if he'd been tricked. There was no way that the slimy West Kai would just hand over his planet so easily. The glare off of that stupid monocle was probably what had made King Kai so blind as to believe West Kai's intentions when he had handed over that worthless map.

Princess Snake clenched her teeth, seeing them trying to leave. She quickly grabbed the retreating Kai by the shoulder and said, "Wait!" She stared at him as he turned around, looking rather confused. "Don't you... don't you want to stay a little longer?"

"No thanks," King Kai said indifferently, continuing along his way and shrugging the princess' gloved hand off of his shoulder.

She licked her lips, turning to her servant girls desperately for other tactics. But they didn't offer anything, making her ask, "Don't you all want to stay and eat? I have plenty of food for all of you all, and it will be on me!"

King Kai stopped again, pointing to the halo on his head. "Do you see that? We're dead. All of us. We don't need food anymore."

"We may be dead, but I'm dead tired," Gregory piped up to the Kai's dismay. Princess Snake's expression brightened at this enthusiasm.

"I'll provide you all with lodgings for the night! I have everything you need from beds to a.. to a... to a spa!" She gave them all a large grin, remembering how much all of the men who had previously stayed with her had enjoyed the spa. Of course, there were only two men that she could remember distinctly, but they were two men all the same.

Gregory shrugged and said, "Sure, why not? I'm beat."

"You're a dead beat," King Kai muttered as she began showing the monkey and cricket around her palace. That cricket could mooch off of people better than he could, and though he didn't mind sleeping there from an economic standpoint, he certainly didn't trust Princess Snake. From what Yemma had told him, the second she lured you in, you were trapped. But Goku had gotten out fine, so he supposed that there wasn't much chance of her confining them to her castle. Plus, there was always that handy Instant Transmission to be used.

King Kai didn't argue with their choice to stay, having decided that he didn't want to yell at West Kai until he had gotten some rest. But then, that next morning, he would be sure to show that lousy, purple good-for-nothing just what he was made of. Yes, that West Kai would certainly get the flogging of his life the next day in a thumb-wrestling contest. He would be sure to show that lousy sneak just what he thought of him.

With these thoughts of vengeance in his head, King Kai followed the rest of the group as they walked down the large hallway. It was a beautiful castle. It was simplistic, straying from the many gaudy designs the Kai had noticed usually used in palaces, but it was certainly eloquent. He couldn't argue with the choice of decor as she opened a door, leading to a room with three beds. Then she told Gregory quite apologetically, "I'm sorry that we don't have beds to accommodate your size."

"It's no problem," the cricket said, buzzing towards the middle bed. Gregory was already jumping up and down on the mattress furthest from the door, leaving one left to King Kai to sleep on. He set his suitcase on it before Gregory said, "You know, now that you've mentioned it, I kind of do want something to eat." The trio hadn't eaten in over seven years, having not been necessary when dead. While King Kai had lost his taste for food, Gregory had always longed a little something to put into his little mouth. And now was the perfect opportunity to be fed at no expense to the Kai.

"I'll have one of my girls whip up a nice soup for you all," Princess Snake said, a pleasant smile on her face as she turned around, whispering something into one of the servant girl's ears. The girl quickly walked off, presumably towards the kitchen. With a last glint of her white teeth, she waved her glove. "I'll be back to check on you three when the food's ready."

And the woman sauntered off, feeling more confident now than she had in years. She had a short, fat, and blue man, a tiny cricket, and a mindless monkey under her control. Now, if she could just get the soup prepared before they caught on, they would be under her control forever.


	2. Force of a Python

**Sorry for taking some time with this one - I had some trouble finishing it, but I hope the product is satisfactory. And I was never quite sure of whether or not King Kai can really use Instant Transmission or not, but for the sake of this story, he can.**

Save for sounds of slurping, dinner was quiet. Princess Snake glared at her guests, wondering if this was such a great idea. To her left was the cricket who was using his bowl as a sauna, having sat down in the soup and used his ladle as a seat. To the left of the cricket was the monkey, jumping up and down with a few hoots escaping from his mouth each time he sipped the soup, scooping it from the bowl into his hands to get it into his mouth. And then was the short, blue man, the Kai, who was simply sitting there glumly, staring at the bowl of soup. The rest of the long table was unoccupied, able to seat another dozen people.

She tried lifting a spoonful of soup to her mouth, different from the others because of a 'stomach condition', but found it impossible. She lowered it in distaste as she saw the monkey lift the bowl to his mouth, allowing the runny broth to dribble down the sides of his chin. She set the spoon back down in the bowl with second thoughts about inviting such unruly company. Of course, at least it was company. They may not have been the most charming of guests, but they were at a diversion from her usual, boring life as Princess of Snake Way. And, if they didn't make good guests, at least they would make a good meal for later on.

Her plan wouldn't work, though, if they didn't all eat. She placed her gloved hand on the extended hand of the blue man, seeing him visibly flinch as she did so. With a fake smile on her face, baring her canine teeth rather maliciously, she asked, "Why don't you eat up? You look like you could use some food in your stomach."

"Not hungry," the Kai replied, retracting his hand from her grip. His eyes swiveled warily to the others underneath his round glasses, thinking that he should have warned them that Princess Snake was not one to be trusted. But none of them were dropping dead, which was a good sign. It was hard to keep himself distant from the soup so close to him, its scent penetrating his stolid barrier. But, no. He couldn't give in, just in case this was a trick up the princess' sleeve.

"Not hungry?" the princess asked, as if shocked. "You need to eat, anyways. I don't care how long you've been dead." She winked at him and giggled, flicking at the halo above his head. King Kai protectively grabbed the halo and scooted his chair further away from the princess, an angry pout on his face as she continued, "There's no reason that such a handsome, young man such as yourself shouldn't eat."

Now that was stretching it. To call the blue Kai handsome was to call the monkey at the table intelligent. But her smirk persisted, knowing that she had to win over this odd group. She was desperately lonely, seeing as her servants rarely talked. Even if it was just a few incoherent words from the monkey, that would be better than nothing. But King Kai was determined to come out on top, refusing to let this woman push him. "No," he snapped, getting annoyed with her persistence. And to think, Yemma had talked so highly of this blue-skinned leech.

Princess Snake patted her bouncy, orange hair, bothered by the Kai's lack of cooperation. But she couldn't show that, so she only grinned more widely. She leaned forward towards him in hope that he would be entranced by her looks, fluttering her eyelashes at the blue man. King Kai, however, wasn't one to be fooled by such lowly tactics. The lenses on his glasses gleamed suspiciously as he pushed himself from the table, standing up abruptly.

"We're going," he stated for the others to hear. But they didn't respond. When he looked at Gregory, he saw that the cricket was slumped down in the bowl of soup, his eyes closed and the smile on his face showing contentment. Bubbles, on the other hand, had his face flat in his empty bowl of soup.

King Kai scowled as Princess Snake followed his lead, standing up, too. She had a palm flat on the table to balance with as she outstretched her other hand to the two, insisting, "Look at them. They're so tired - just let them sleep here for one night. You can go on your way; I promise that I'll send them to you after a good night's rest." That was a promise that she couldn't keep, however, as she needed to kill them all as a package, lest word get out about her appetite. But she expected King Kai to refuse the deal, and she was right in that respect.

The blue Kai huffed and crossed his arms, his feelers twitching in annoyance. He contemplated just taking the monkey and cricket back to King Yemma's place to sleep for the night, but the beds there were uncomfortable on the Kai's back. And there was Grand Kai's planet that they could go to, but he was certain that West Kai would be there, somebody he didn't feel like dealing with at the moment. Earth was definitely not in question, seeing as now they were dead. So, without anywhere else to go, the Kai decided that one night in this palace wouldn't hurt. As long as he was careful of what he did, they could get through the night with minimal damage.

Princess Snake still smiled, her dazzling, white teeth shining as she did so. Her gloves were clasped together as she shrugged, her fluffy boa rising with her small shoulders. "So, what have you decided?" she asked pleasantly in hopes that he would take the bait.

And to her satisfaction, he took the bait. King Kai grimaced a little before saying, "One night won't kill us here. But we're leaving as soon as they wake up." He pointed to his two students, both having succumbed to a deep slumber. This one, small stipulation did nothing to curb her happiness, though, as she swayed joyously on the spot.

"Excellent decision!" she exclaimed, clapping twice after saying so. She turned to the brown-haired servant that appeared behind her and said, "Now, take these two to their sleeping chamber. They need a good night's rest, so I implore you be gentle!" The blue-skinned maid nodded and, with surprising strength, managed to easily lift Bubbles up from his seat. Then she picked Gregory up from the bowl of soup and shook him off, a few droplets flying as she did so. She placed the cricket on top of the monkey and disappeared down the hallway.

It was then that Princess Snake turned back to her one conscious guest and asked, "So, is there anything I can get for you?"

"No," the Kai replied, determined to stay away from the princess for the rest of his visit. He didn't want her to somehow trick him into doing something foolish, or to somehow let her cast some type of charm on him that would keep him from using Instant Transmission. He could never be sure with women, a reason why he never trained them.

"You don't want something else to eat?" she inquired, placing her hand on the short man's shoulder. But he backed away, letting her glove fall back to her side.

"No," he plainly put, his arms crossed.

"Not even a dessert?"

"No."

"Would you rather do something else?"

"No."

"You don't want to jump in the spa?"

Princess Snake watched for King Kai's reaction to this offer, but his face remained stoic. "No," he simply replied as he turned away from her. She gritted her teeth with frustration, wishing that the man would just cooperate with her. But it appeared that he liked being difficult, so she would have to be difficult with him.

"You're going to do something," she ordered, grabbing him by his wrist. The Kai tried pulling away again, but he found her grip to be surprisingly powerful. Her forehead was furrowed angrily, wrinkling her flawless skin. He swore that her canine teeth had become longer, certainly more threatening. But he wasn't about to give in. If he wouldn't let West Kai get the best of him, there was no way that he would let some princess take advantage of him.

He gritted his teeth back, looking straight up at the princess. "No," he said, his small, round glasses glinting with his anger. "I'm going to go to bed now, and when I wake up, I'm leaving." Then he shook himself of her grasp, marching off in the opposite direction. He didn't care how rude of a guest he was. Under no condition would he listen to that good-for-nothing princess, the one that seemed set on somehow trapping him in that castle. He wouldn't stand her senseless blabbering for another second. He would get out of there as soon as the others woke up, they would head to King Yemma's check-out station, and they would find their new home. There was no way that he would be stuck here.

But then he heard a deeper, rougher voice boom through the large dining room. "You're going to stay here," it commanded huskily, making the Kai spin back around, startled by the sudden raise in power behind him. He gulped as he saw what was behind him now, a transformation so quick that he hadn't been able to sense and put an end to it before it even began.

Where Princess Snake had just been standing seconds before was a large snake, coiled in rings across the floor of the palace. It was a thick and scaly snake, the same teal color she had been. King Kai could only blink in shock, not recalling Yemma ever telling him of this power. But he was quickly thrown from these thoughts as the snake, its fangs bared menacingly, stood up so that its large, white belly was revealed. "If you don't plan to stay, I'm going to eat you."

The threat was enough to have the Kai jump back, realizing that he needed to get out of the palace as quickly as possible, if not quicker. He only had a second to think as the snake lunged at him, his jaws pried open with hopes of enjoying a satisfying dinner. He leapt out of the way and tried scurrying past her, knowing that he needed to get Gregory and Bubbles out of this place. But her long, flexible figure had woven itself into a nice maze for the Kai to pass through. He then remembered that he could fly, quickly hovering over her serpentine body after struggling to pass it. However, she swished her tail in the way in an attempt to stop him, only for him to dodge it and make it into the large hallway he saw the maid retreat through.

He bulleted down that corridor headfirst, managing to run into the maid, though not before Princess Snake had turned herself around, diving after the Kai. She beat her following body clumsily against the walls, leaving large cracks in them and slowing her down just enough for him to grab his two unconscious companions from the disoriented maid's grip. With his arms around the two of them, he clenched his teeth and closed his eyes, managing to disappear just as Princess Snake plunged at the three of them, determined to make an eager meal of them.

King Kai noticed that his heart beat had becoming considerably faster as he landed on solid ground, still clinging on tightly to the cricket and monkey. It wasn't until he heard something heavy drop that he dared open his eyes, now looking at a curious King Yemma peering over the edge of his over-sized desk. He had just dropped the large book of recorded deaths he had been holding on to the counter, his deep voice inquiring, "What happened to you?" He couldn't help but laugh a little, scratching his horned head in amazement. It was rare that he had seen such a squeamish expression of fear on the Kai's face, something that he knew he would be able to hold over him for a while.

The Kai quickly recovered from his shock, dropping his students on to the floor and floating up to Yemma's height. Still trying to regain his breath, he said, "I'll have you know..." He exhaled deeply here, placing a hand over his poor heart. "I'll have you know that I just got done with the most terrifying thing in this whole galaxy, I think. The most terrifying, underrated, self-serving, lying, scheming-"

"Hold on there," the red ogre chuckled, enjoying every second of the Kai's flustered face. "What exactly are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about?" the Kai said indignantly, floating a little closer to Yemma's face, his fists clenched angrily. "What am I talking about?" He shook his head, glaring at the ogre with all the ugliest glare he could give. "I'm talking about that Princess Snake woman! You said that she was bad, but she's awful! She, she..." He trailed off on his rant, though, as he saw the ogre burst into merry laughter. "What's so funny?" King Kai demanded, unable to believe that he was being ridiculed after such a frightening experience.

But King Kai could only slump his shoulders in awe, his jaw falling open, as Yemma wiped the tears from his watering eyes. He beat his huge fist upon the table and sympathized, "I warned you - my wife can be a handful at times."


End file.
